THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE

Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love

 

by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.

 

 

INTRODUCTION

 

"To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.” --Karen Sunde

 

THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love is a collection of beautifully and honestly told stories of new, loving relationships following the loss of a spouse or partner, a life-affirming, important next step. It is the often disquieting; yet exhilaratingly overlap of grieving and loving as new meaning unfolds through a committed, new loving relationship.

 

We have chosen to share these stories in a simple format, one chapter for each of our twelve couples. Yet the subject is complex, emotionally charged and multi-layered, due to the often ongoing grief of loss, coupled with the simultaneous joy of falling in love all over again. Chapter-by-chapter, twelve men and women, widows and widowers of all ages, from all walks of life and situations, share—in their own words— stories of their life-affirming, new loving relationships and the road they each traveled in order to realize them. Each of the twelve chapters begins with an introduction to the couple, a sharing of their experience, from both the male and female perspectives, and concludes with thought-provoking, comments from Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.

 

The first couple is my, Gloria Lintermans, story of my new, loving relationship with Hal following the loss of my husband, Rick. I have shared, as do each of our other couples, essential facts about our lives and feelings as we moved forward, including:

 

• The length of the marriage or partnership.
• Length of time since a spouse or partner passed away.
• A description of the support offered by friends and family.
• Whether a grief support group was attended and for how long.
• If so, how the group helped, or did not help, to heal their grief.
• During their first two years of mourning, what was the hardest period of time and why.
• At what point in the grieving each began to date.
• Did each begin dating because they were overcome with loneliness and lack of physical intimacy, or did each feel that they were ready to begin a deep friendship? How they met their current partner. Whether or not they were friends before becoming romantically involved.
• How their new relationship impacted their feelings for their late spouse or partner.
• How this new person is different, and how this difference has impacted the relationship.
• How scary was it to become emotionally vulnerable with this new person. How scary it was exploring physical intimacy again.
• How they dealt with today’s expectations of sexuality and how it affected their performance. What their expectations were regarding sexual intimacy. Were they able to talk about these expectations with their new partner.
• What the bumps in-the-road were in this new relationship. What they wished they could have done differently.
• Trouble spots with family getting along with their new partner.
• The future they envision with this person.
• Advice for others in your circumstance.

 

Each of the widow/widowers interviewed for this book took a giant leap of faith as they displayed a willingness to love again after painful loss. Most, but not all, were happy in their previous marriages but in each case, meeting a new partner enhanced their lives. Even when they respected and loved their late spouse, they wanted life to go on.

 

The reality is that transition from grieving to loving never stops. But we learn that grief becomes more bearable, and memories become sweeter as we mourn our loss. It makes it easier if your new partner is receptive to your bringing up the subject of your late spouse. Good memories and sometimes painful memories come into these conversation; the painful ones softened with acceptance.

 

Clearly, bereavement group support allows people to work through difficult issues of loss. In the couples we interviewed, none of them connected solely because they could not tolerate their own aloneness so it appears these relationships were based on “want” rather than “need.” As time passes and the mourner begins to heal, the natural inclination is to reach out and make contact with other people in social ways.

 

One of the key factors that contributed to our couples relatively stress-free new relationships was their own recognition that the early years of raising the family and struggling to make a living were over. The children were grown, there was a lack of money problems that often played out in the early years as a family was developing. Couples were now freer to be a couple without the earlier struggles that young couples go through.

 

They enhanced each others lives because they were free to travel, explore, enjoy, attend events that interested them and attend to each other. What they also seemed to have in common was a good attitude abut life and the future. They were grateful for having found each other. They were appreciative of each others strengths and they loved the new-found companionship, which they did not take for granted. They exhibited a great attitude about looking to the future with hope and caring and optimism about being there for each other. They talked eagerly about things they wanted to do together and how they wanted to be together and they looked forward to a future with joy and anticipation and continued good health.

 

It is our wish that you will find THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE one of hope for re-creating a life of joy and fulfillment in your own life.

 

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.”

 

Sophocles (496BC – 406 BC)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love